Funny Stuff That Happened While I Was Being A Bad Blogger And Ignoring My Duties

My kitten scratched a hole through my eyelid and gave me a black eye. I told everyone that my husband punched me. It was hilarious. (My husband has never punched me. He is one of those annoying people who has the nerve to try to walk away when he gets too mad during an argument. He doesn't even yell when he gets mad. He just stands there are calm and shit.)

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Actual conversation that happened in the hospital lobby in front of some old guy:

Lisa: If I was a guy I would only do pregnant girls. But only when they are barely pregnant. Like 3 or 4 months. You know so they still have their figures and stuff.

Katie: If you were a guy you would be a total whore.

Me: Like our dad.

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Talking about anal:

Lisa: I heard it hurts really bad. Why would someone do that?

Me: Some people like it.

Lisa: That's gross. It would have to stretch really far. I don't know how that could work.

Me: You ever have a big poop.

Lisa: Yeah.

Me: Well I'm guessing its like a big poop but backwards.

Lisa: That is so gross.

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At my grandmother's funeral, I broke a bench. Actually, I broke the same bench twice by coughing too hard. I wasn't the only one sitting on the bench and both times it broke we had to discreetly fix it before the funeral directors saw us.

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Enan's newest thing is to use the word plenty whenever possible.

For example:

Me: Enan you need to stop playing now.

Enan: Can I play for one more minute?

Me: I'll give you 4 more minutes.

Enan: How about plenty more minutes?

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Enan was at his grandmother's house one morning and was talking to her while she was having her breakfast. He told her that I had him and that she was there when he was born and that when he came out he was awesome.

One day we were walking through the book store and my son announced loudly that he has awesome skills.

I blame myself for his vocabulary. And his conceitedness. I tell him all the time that he is awesome and that he has awesome skills. Its all true though. He gets it from me. I'm awesome and I have awesome skills too. Just ask my husband.

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Sorry things were quiet around here for so long. Life has been a little crazy here. My husband got a new job, someone almost died, someone did die, and my perfectly adorable little nephew was born. I promise to try to be better and more consistent with this whole blogging thing from now on.*

* Any and all promises are subject to be broken without any warning or reasonable cause.

Social Alcoholic

My husband and I have figured out the perfect cure for my social anxiety. Alcohol. One-drink Rachel will think about doing things she never would do. Two-drink Rachel will make plans to do things she would never do. Three-drink Rachel will do things she never thought she would. And four-drink Rachel will do things that three-drink Rachel would never think to do. After that I am invincible, or at least I think I am.

The Handshake

I recently met one of my husband's friends. He came over early one morning to pick my husband up because they were going to some meeting. I hate meeting my husband's friends. I don't want them to know that he is married to someone who is overweight. Yeah, I'm one of those people who has issues with their weight. I know its stupid but I really would rather hide in my house until I've lost all the extra weight than to go out and have people see me. See, if I meet Joe's friends right now they are going to see a fat girl but they aren't going to know that I used to be a lot fatter. They are just going to see how fat I am now. They wont know about all the progress I have made. And they wont know all the reasons I was fat in the first place. Joe doesn't care that I am still a little overweight he just wants me to hang out with him and his friends and have fun.

So I had to meet his friend because he was coming to our house. And of course we woke up late that morning. So Joe is rushing around trying to get ready and I am trying to take care of Enan and get myself ready before the friend shows up. I was feeling really unattractive so I did what I always do...I put on my pushup bra. Cleavage always gives me confidence. Plus with guys it usually distracts them from looking at the rest of me.

I was feeling a lot better until the friend showed up. Joe was still getting ready so I had to answer the door. Then it happened! He introduced himself and then stuck his hand out for a handshake. I HATE handshakes. They feel so awkward and personal to me. I would much rather someone do that weird side hug thing. I always worry that my hands are going to be sweaty or that my handshake is going to be weak and then they are going to judge me for it. As soon as he started shaking my hand my brain went blank. I don't remember what I said or even if I said anything at all. It was horrible. I wasn't able to relax until Josiah and his friend were gone.

It was at that point that I noticed that I had the worst coffee breath ever. I totally rock first impressions. (If you need me I will be locked in my house until I am fit to be out in public. Which may be never.)

Penis

I am going to start off by telling you that I am not usually this stupid. This is just one of those situations where I never actively thought of the subject so my brain just assumed something completely wrong.

I have a son. He is the first boy that I have raised on my own (except for my husband's help of course) and I never really thought about his penis. See, I guess in my brain I thought that his penis was going to stay the same size it was when he was born. I just assumed it would suddenly get bigger when he went through puberty or something. You know, like how girls start suddenly getting breasts during puberty. I just thought that boys woke up one day with a bigger penis. I have seen my son's penis every day for more than four years now and it just never clicked that his penis was growing. Then yesterday, for reasons I wont disclose, I realized that his penis had gotten bigger and that I was completely stupid.

There are some things you never think about until you become a parent. I thought all of those discoveries were over now that Enan is 4 but I was wrong. I wonder what amazing revelation I am going to have next.

Our Family

My husband and I come from rather large families. He has 4 brothers and 5 sisters and I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters. Josiah's siblings all have the same mother and father. They all grew up together and they are fairly close as far as brothers and sisters go. Very easy to explain to new people. My family is a nightmare to explain. Here's the break down of my family.

Jessie and I have the same mother but we have different fathers. Katie, Ricky, Lisa, Alicia, Haden and I all have the same father but different mothers. Kali and Nick are my step-sister and step-brother. Katie, Ricky, and Lisa all have the same mother. Kali, Nick and Haden all have the same mother. My father had Alicia with Katie, Ricky, and Lisa's mother's sister.

But wait there's more:

My mother couldn't raise my brother Jessie so my great aunt adopted him. Which means that legally he is now my cousin but biologically he is my half brother.

And...

My sister Katie is engaged to my mother's half brother Russell. Russell and my mother have the same father but different mothers. This means that technically my sister is getting married to my uncle but they are not blood related to each other. Which means that Russell is going to be my son's uncle/great uncle.

I hate how backwoods hillbilly it all sounds. Which is why when people ask about my family I just tell them that I have 4 sisters and 4 brothers and I leave it at that.

My Humble Abode (AKA The Tiny Ass Duplex I Live In)

Oh, how I hate the place we live in. What was once a beautiful escape has become a prison. You see in 2006 we made a really stupid mistake. We moved into a beautiful house that was over 2000 square feet but....wait for it...we had to share this wonderful place with housemates. Ugh housemates. I know we aren't the only stupid people who thought that sharing a bigger more expensive house with people we barely knew would be awesome. Things were wonderful at first. They were a really nice couple who we got along with. I will call them Whipped and Skank. They were really great with our son and we had some things in common with them.

Then things went downhill really quickly. Skank got a job working as a topless dancer at a cabaret and subsequently began using drugs and cheating on Whipped. This led to Whipped sitting at home at nights getting really drunk and on one occasion trying to kill himself. And to top it all off they were not very clean people. They would leave their laundry in the washer and dryer forcing me to finish their laundry before being able to start my own. As far as food and stuff went we were supposed to alternate nights. They would cook one night and we would cook the next. Well most of the time they would forget and then at the last minute get fast food. Or just completely forget altogether. And they rarely cleaned up after themselves. They would leave dirty dishes on the counter until there were maggot colonies living in them and then I would have to clean them up. Then they got a puppy. Oh god the puppy. They were never home so they weren't there to house train her. So they would lock her in a kennel in the garage all day where she would howl incessantly until I let her out. Even when they were home she would shit and piss in the dining room and they would never clean it up. I'm not saying that we were perfect or anything but we tried to be as respectful of them as possible and we always followed the rules that we had set. Of course, the situation was not one that we were going to live in especially with our young child (1 year old at the time) running around. So we decided to move out.

That led us here. You see this place was brand new when we moved in. It was pretty and clean and it would be all ours. It was in a nice neighborhood near stores and 5 minutes away from the in-laws. Oh and it was available right away and since we were desperate to get out of the house we were in we immediately decided that this place would be ours. Oh hindsight. So we had to move our stuff from a house with more than 2000 square feet into one with less than 1000 square feet. I know that people who live in big cities have to live in places much smaller than this but I'm not one of those people and I really do hate it here. So I am going to complain about all the little things that I hate so much about this place. Here is list of the things I hate:

-The master bedroom. It has a window on one wall, the back door on another, and the tiny closet and HALF BATH on the other. So that leaves only one available wall to put the bed. Which happens to be the wall that is shared with one of the other bedrooms. Oh did I mention that the MASTER bedroom only has a HALF BATH. Yeah its kinda frustrating.

-The back yard. It has a retaining wall that is concrete. And most of the actual yard is filled with rocks and other junk from when they built this place. And its a hill. A big ugly hill with a monstrous ugly concrete wall at the bottom.

-The bathroom. Its tiny and cramped. It has nasty sliding glass doors on the tub that are impossible to get completely clean. You can hear everything that is going on in the neighbors bathroom which means they can hear everything in ours. And the stupid towel rack came out of the wall within a month of living here and it wont go back up. I hate that stupid towel rack.

-The laundry room. Well its not really a room. Its like a little closet next to the kitchen that doesn't have any doors on it. It has a washer on one side and a dryer on the other. The space between the washer and the dryer is about 4 feet. Which means when you open the dryer you have to step back as far against the washer as possible or climb over the stupid dryer door as you open it. Because for some reason they made it where the dryer opens towards the doorway instead of towards the wall. Its always in a perpetual state of disarray because there isn't anywhere to put the laundry. You can't have a dirty clothes basket in the laundry room because then you can't open the freaking dryer. So we have to put our clothes on the floor. Which means that while standing in the kitchen you can see our dirty clothes piled up on the floor. Which sometimes becomes an avalanche that spills into the kitchen. I REALLY REALLY HATE HATE HATE the laundry room.

-The bugs. Oh God the bugs. We get ants every year. And if it rains a lot we get really huge ugly water bugs. And little beetles. And snakes. Oh and freaking brown recluse spiders. We've tried plugging all the holes in the foundation and around windows and doors but it doesn't stop them. We've had ants in our bathroom coming through tiny little holes in the base board. The bathroom thats in the middle of the freaking house without a single outside wall attached to it. Yet somehow the ants were living in the walls and coming through tiny little cracks into the bathroom.

-The cramped spaces. We obviously have too much stuff for such a little place but we have gotten rid of almost everything we possibly can. This means that our house almost always looks like a tornado hit it. If a single book gets out of place on the bookshelf it makes the entire living room look messy. Its terrible and embarrassing and I hate it.

There...I'm done for now. I know that I shouldn't complain especially since we've been in worse situations before. I know I should be happy that we aren't living in our car again and that we are able to live here without me having to work so I get to stay home with our son. And I am happy for those things but sometimes I get really frustrated being here and I go a little crazy and I need to rant about it. I know things are going to get better and eventually we will move from here hopefully to a bigger place. But for now I am going to grumble and groan about how much I dislike this place.

Enan Talk

I gave birth to my son at home, in my bed, surrounded by my wonderful family. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I love my son. I love being a stay at home mother to him. And most of all I love all the funny little things he says. Here's just a few of the wonderful things coming out of my child's mouth:

Later Soon- he uses this when he wants to do something at that moment but we have told him that he can't until later. He uses it to try to convince us that it will happen soon.

Example:

Me: We will go to the park later.

Enan: We will go to the park later soon.

Top Yard- this is what he calls the front yard.

Why Not- he says Why Not to everything. Its always Why Not, never just Why.

Example:

Me: You have to go to bed now.

Enan: Why Not?

Jew- used instead of the word "you".

Brass Room- this is what he calls the bath tub.

Example: Mommy are you in the Brass Room?

Making Me Mean- he says this instead of saying "you're making me mad".

So So Crazy- this is one of my favorites. If you tell him to do something he will respond with "You're making me so so crazy".

I know that eventually he will grow out of saying these things. I am really going to miss hearing them from him. Maybe the next kid we have will come up with even better things to say.

My Mother-In-Law Saw Me Naked

Its true. She saw me naked a few times. Oh and I've peed on her too. And I am not embarrassed by those facts at all. In fact I am kinda proud of it. Not many people can say they pissed on their mother-in-law and she didn't care. Its not like I got drunk and just peed on her or anything. She was my midwife and it happened when I was giving birth. But still, it happened.

The first time she saw me naked, she looked at my vulva and said "You didn't have to shave for me". I almost died. Then I had to explain to her that I didn't shave it for her I keep it shaved all the time. She looked at me like I was child molester or something. Then proceeded to tell me that she has never shaved down there. She prefers the natural look. Yeah, so now I know that my husband came out of a hairy vagina. Not the best mental picture in the world.

That wasn't the only awkward encounter I have had with her, that was dealing with my vagina. Later on in my pregnancy she had to explain to me and my husband how to do a perineal massage. She was using her hands to show us how to do it and then told us that sometimes having your husband do the massage leads to sex. I don't think anyone wants their mother-in-law to give them new types of foreplay.

She's also not the only member of my husband's family to see me naked. Two of his sisters were in the room when I was giving birth. His older sister was helping his mother while his 15 year old sister took pictures. She watched a baby come out of my vagina and had to take pictures of it. I'm surprised she can look at me without throwing up. Four years later and she's one of my best friends though.

I think we may have one of the weirdest families out there. I mean weirdest without being incest and stuff. Because those incest families are definitely way weirder than our family.

Bubbles

I hate using the word testicles. I hate how gross it sounds. And I refuse to call them balls because thats almost as gross as testicles. So I call them bubbles. Its a much nicer word for them. This was never a problem until my son started calling them bubbles too. I realize now that I have probably completely screwed up my child but it wasn't intentional. So now I have to decided to fix it by teaching him the proper names for his "boy bits". This led to the following conversation at the dinner table last night:

Me: I think we should teach him that they are called his penis and testicles.

Joe: That's a great idea because when we were outside today blowing bubbles Enan got one on his face and was talking about how he had bubbles on his face. It sounded really gross.

Me: Haha! That's awesome!

Joe: We could call them balls.

Me: Eww no. That's as bad as calling them bubbles.

Me: Enan can you say testicles?

Enan: Testicles.

Me: Wow he can say that word really well.

Joe: Yeah.

Me: Enan do you know what testicles are?

Enan: No.

Me: It is the real name for your bubbles. So you should call them testicles, okay?

Enan: What are balls?

Me: They are things you play with...oh my god...hahahaha

Enan: Mommy...balls. Daddy...testicles.

Me: Ummm Enan I'm being serious now. They are called testicles.

Enan: Mommy...balls. Daddy...testicles.

And that my dear friends is what I call quality dinner conversation.

Nighttime Conversations

When I am in bed at night I read blogs on my phone. It helps me go to sleep. Its also kinda annoying for Joe because the light from my phone is constantly shining. So, last night I was reading and I realized that the light from my phone made me look kinda scary. You know like when you're a kid and you hold a flashlight under your chin when you tell a scary story? Anyways, this is the conversation I had with Joe:

Me: Do I look scary by the light of the blog?

Joe: What?

Me: I vant to suck your blllooooogggg!!

Joe: Will you suck my penis instead?

And that people is why I love my husband so freaking much. He says things that nobody would ever expect him to say. He's usually this quiet geeky computer guy and then out of nowhere he says the raunchiest things.

Accidentally Unexpected

My poor husband has to deal with this every day.

Me: I can see your boobs!

Joe: What?

Me: I can see your boobs. See. (grabs Joe’s boob)

Joe: (looks shocked)

Me: I have boobs too. See. But mine are all squished because I’m wearing a sports bra.

Joe: Why?

Me: Because I’m wearing a white shirt. You know in case someone accidentally shows up here.

Joe: (Laughing) Accidentally shows up?

Me: I meant unexpectedly. You know…that other big word thats hard to remember. Not accidentally.

Joe: I’m going to start accidentally driving all the way to people's houses.

Me: You should start a blog or something about all the stupid things that I say.

(My husband doesn't actually have boobs. Just thought I would clarify so he doesn't get mad at me because I made the entire internet think he has man boobs.)

There's This Weird Person Inside My Head

I'm not crazy or anything. Its not like I hear voices that tell me to kill people I just have a lot of weird random thoughts. On the outside I look normal (sorta) but in my head there are strange things afoot. Not like strange as in homicidal maniac thoughts. More like "I wonder why the alphabet is in the order that its in" or "if you douche too much will you pickle your vagina." Oh great...now I'm thinking about kosher vaginas. See what I mean. Its very scary in my brain sometimes.

These weird thoughts get me into trouble a lot. I will be concentrating so hard on not saying the weird thing I'm thinking that I will say some other random nonsense. Or I will get really nervous and say something completely inappropriate but not quite as inappropriate as the thing I was really thinking. And heaven help you if I am comfortable around you. I say the raunchiest things around my in-laws. You would think they would have disowned me by now but surprisingly they love me even more than they used to. I think they are just waiting for me to say something too extreme and then they are going to have me committed.

So I'm going to have to purge myself of all the weird stuff by posting it here anonymously. Lucky you, right? Oh come on its going to be fun. You can read all the weird crap I write and then feel really great about yourself because you know that there is at least one person out there who is creepier than you are. Its like free therapy or something. Yeah its exactly like that.

(Disclaimer: Because of all the weird stuff in my brain I obviously don't have the space to remember important things like proper grammar or correct punctuation. Thank goodness there is a spell check or you guys would really hate me.)