Enan Talk

I gave birth to my son at home, in my bed, surrounded by my wonderful family. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I love my son. I love being a stay at home mother to him. And most of all I love all the funny little things he says. Here's just a few of the wonderful things coming out of my child's mouth:

Later Soon- he uses this when he wants to do something at that moment but we have told him that he can't until later. He uses it to try to convince us that it will happen soon.

Example:

Me: We will go to the park later.

Enan: We will go to the park later soon.

Top Yard- this is what he calls the front yard.

Why Not- he says Why Not to everything. Its always Why Not, never just Why.

Example:

Me: You have to go to bed now.

Enan: Why Not?

Jew- used instead of the word "you".

Brass Room- this is what he calls the bath tub.

Example: Mommy are you in the Brass Room?

Making Me Mean- he says this instead of saying "you're making me mad".

So So Crazy- this is one of my favorites. If you tell him to do something he will respond with "You're making me so so crazy".

I know that eventually he will grow out of saying these things. I am really going to miss hearing them from him. Maybe the next kid we have will come up with even better things to say.

My Mother-In-Law Saw Me Naked

Its true. She saw me naked a few times. Oh and I've peed on her too. And I am not embarrassed by those facts at all. In fact I am kinda proud of it. Not many people can say they pissed on their mother-in-law and she didn't care. Its not like I got drunk and just peed on her or anything. She was my midwife and it happened when I was giving birth. But still, it happened.

The first time she saw me naked, she looked at my vulva and said "You didn't have to shave for me". I almost died. Then I had to explain to her that I didn't shave it for her I keep it shaved all the time. She looked at me like I was child molester or something. Then proceeded to tell me that she has never shaved down there. She prefers the natural look. Yeah, so now I know that my husband came out of a hairy vagina. Not the best mental picture in the world.

That wasn't the only awkward encounter I have had with her, that was dealing with my vagina. Later on in my pregnancy she had to explain to me and my husband how to do a perineal massage. She was using her hands to show us how to do it and then told us that sometimes having your husband do the massage leads to sex. I don't think anyone wants their mother-in-law to give them new types of foreplay.

She's also not the only member of my husband's family to see me naked. Two of his sisters were in the room when I was giving birth. His older sister was helping his mother while his 15 year old sister took pictures. She watched a baby come out of my vagina and had to take pictures of it. I'm surprised she can look at me without throwing up. Four years later and she's one of my best friends though.

I think we may have one of the weirdest families out there. I mean weirdest without being incest and stuff. Because those incest families are definitely way weirder than our family.

Bubbles

I hate using the word testicles. I hate how gross it sounds. And I refuse to call them balls because thats almost as gross as testicles. So I call them bubbles. Its a much nicer word for them. This was never a problem until my son started calling them bubbles too. I realize now that I have probably completely screwed up my child but it wasn't intentional. So now I have to decided to fix it by teaching him the proper names for his "boy bits". This led to the following conversation at the dinner table last night:

Me: I think we should teach him that they are called his penis and testicles.

Joe: That's a great idea because when we were outside today blowing bubbles Enan got one on his face and was talking about how he had bubbles on his face. It sounded really gross.

Me: Haha! That's awesome!

Joe: We could call them balls.

Me: Eww no. That's as bad as calling them bubbles.

Me: Enan can you say testicles?

Enan: Testicles.

Me: Wow he can say that word really well.

Joe: Yeah.

Me: Enan do you know what testicles are?

Enan: No.

Me: It is the real name for your bubbles. So you should call them testicles, okay?

Enan: What are balls?

Me: They are things you play with...oh my god...hahahaha

Enan: Mommy...balls. Daddy...testicles.

Me: Ummm Enan I'm being serious now. They are called testicles.

Enan: Mommy...balls. Daddy...testicles.

And that my dear friends is what I call quality dinner conversation.

Nighttime Conversations

When I am in bed at night I read blogs on my phone. It helps me go to sleep. Its also kinda annoying for Joe because the light from my phone is constantly shining. So, last night I was reading and I realized that the light from my phone made me look kinda scary. You know like when you're a kid and you hold a flashlight under your chin when you tell a scary story? Anyways, this is the conversation I had with Joe:

Me: Do I look scary by the light of the blog?

Joe: What?

Me: I vant to suck your blllooooogggg!!

Joe: Will you suck my penis instead?

And that people is why I love my husband so freaking much. He says things that nobody would ever expect him to say. He's usually this quiet geeky computer guy and then out of nowhere he says the raunchiest things.

Accidentally Unexpected

My poor husband has to deal with this every day.

Me: I can see your boobs!

Joe: What?

Me: I can see your boobs. See. (grabs Joe’s boob)

Joe: (looks shocked)

Me: I have boobs too. See. But mine are all squished because I’m wearing a sports bra.

Joe: Why?

Me: Because I’m wearing a white shirt. You know in case someone accidentally shows up here.

Joe: (Laughing) Accidentally shows up?

Me: I meant unexpectedly. You know…that other big word thats hard to remember. Not accidentally.

Joe: I’m going to start accidentally driving all the way to people's houses.

Me: You should start a blog or something about all the stupid things that I say.

(My husband doesn't actually have boobs. Just thought I would clarify so he doesn't get mad at me because I made the entire internet think he has man boobs.)

There's This Weird Person Inside My Head

I'm not crazy or anything. Its not like I hear voices that tell me to kill people I just have a lot of weird random thoughts. On the outside I look normal (sorta) but in my head there are strange things afoot. Not like strange as in homicidal maniac thoughts. More like "I wonder why the alphabet is in the order that its in" or "if you douche too much will you pickle your vagina." Oh great...now I'm thinking about kosher vaginas. See what I mean. Its very scary in my brain sometimes.

These weird thoughts get me into trouble a lot. I will be concentrating so hard on not saying the weird thing I'm thinking that I will say some other random nonsense. Or I will get really nervous and say something completely inappropriate but not quite as inappropriate as the thing I was really thinking. And heaven help you if I am comfortable around you. I say the raunchiest things around my in-laws. You would think they would have disowned me by now but surprisingly they love me even more than they used to. I think they are just waiting for me to say something too extreme and then they are going to have me committed.

So I'm going to have to purge myself of all the weird stuff by posting it here anonymously. Lucky you, right? Oh come on its going to be fun. You can read all the weird crap I write and then feel really great about yourself because you know that there is at least one person out there who is creepier than you are. Its like free therapy or something. Yeah its exactly like that.

(Disclaimer: Because of all the weird stuff in my brain I obviously don't have the space to remember important things like proper grammar or correct punctuation. Thank goodness there is a spell check or you guys would really hate me.)