Social Alcoholic

My husband and I have figured out the perfect cure for my social anxiety. Alcohol. One-drink Rachel will think about doing things she never would do. Two-drink Rachel will make plans to do things she would never do. Three-drink Rachel will do things she never thought she would. And four-drink Rachel will do things that three-drink Rachel would never think to do. After that I am invincible, or at least I think I am.

The Handshake

I recently met one of my husband's friends. He came over early one morning to pick my husband up because they were going to some meeting. I hate meeting my husband's friends. I don't want them to know that he is married to someone who is overweight. Yeah, I'm one of those people who has issues with their weight. I know its stupid but I really would rather hide in my house until I've lost all the extra weight than to go out and have people see me. See, if I meet Joe's friends right now they are going to see a fat girl but they aren't going to know that I used to be a lot fatter. They are just going to see how fat I am now. They wont know about all the progress I have made. And they wont know all the reasons I was fat in the first place. Joe doesn't care that I am still a little overweight he just wants me to hang out with him and his friends and have fun.

So I had to meet his friend because he was coming to our house. And of course we woke up late that morning. So Joe is rushing around trying to get ready and I am trying to take care of Enan and get myself ready before the friend shows up. I was feeling really unattractive so I did what I always do...I put on my pushup bra. Cleavage always gives me confidence. Plus with guys it usually distracts them from looking at the rest of me.

I was feeling a lot better until the friend showed up. Joe was still getting ready so I had to answer the door. Then it happened! He introduced himself and then stuck his hand out for a handshake. I HATE handshakes. They feel so awkward and personal to me. I would much rather someone do that weird side hug thing. I always worry that my hands are going to be sweaty or that my handshake is going to be weak and then they are going to judge me for it. As soon as he started shaking my hand my brain went blank. I don't remember what I said or even if I said anything at all. It was horrible. I wasn't able to relax until Josiah and his friend were gone.

It was at that point that I noticed that I had the worst coffee breath ever. I totally rock first impressions. (If you need me I will be locked in my house until I am fit to be out in public. Which may be never.)

Penis

I am going to start off by telling you that I am not usually this stupid. This is just one of those situations where I never actively thought of the subject so my brain just assumed something completely wrong.

I have a son. He is the first boy that I have raised on my own (except for my husband's help of course) and I never really thought about his penis. See, I guess in my brain I thought that his penis was going to stay the same size it was when he was born. I just assumed it would suddenly get bigger when he went through puberty or something. You know, like how girls start suddenly getting breasts during puberty. I just thought that boys woke up one day with a bigger penis. I have seen my son's penis every day for more than four years now and it just never clicked that his penis was growing. Then yesterday, for reasons I wont disclose, I realized that his penis had gotten bigger and that I was completely stupid.

There are some things you never think about until you become a parent. I thought all of those discoveries were over now that Enan is 4 but I was wrong. I wonder what amazing revelation I am going to have next.

Our Family

My husband and I come from rather large families. He has 4 brothers and 5 sisters and I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters. Josiah's siblings all have the same mother and father. They all grew up together and they are fairly close as far as brothers and sisters go. Very easy to explain to new people. My family is a nightmare to explain. Here's the break down of my family.

Jessie and I have the same mother but we have different fathers. Katie, Ricky, Lisa, Alicia, Haden and I all have the same father but different mothers. Kali and Nick are my step-sister and step-brother. Katie, Ricky, and Lisa all have the same mother. Kali, Nick and Haden all have the same mother. My father had Alicia with Katie, Ricky, and Lisa's mother's sister.

But wait there's more:

My mother couldn't raise my brother Jessie so my great aunt adopted him. Which means that legally he is now my cousin but biologically he is my half brother.

And...

My sister Katie is engaged to my mother's half brother Russell. Russell and my mother have the same father but different mothers. This means that technically my sister is getting married to my uncle but they are not blood related to each other. Which means that Russell is going to be my son's uncle/great uncle.

I hate how backwoods hillbilly it all sounds. Which is why when people ask about my family I just tell them that I have 4 sisters and 4 brothers and I leave it at that.

There's This Weird Person Inside My Head

I'm not crazy or anything. Its not like I hear voices that tell me to kill people I just have a lot of weird random thoughts. On the outside I look normal (sorta) but in my head there are strange things afoot. Not like strange as in homicidal maniac thoughts. More like "I wonder why the alphabet is in the order that its in" or "if you douche too much will you pickle your vagina." Oh great...now I'm thinking about kosher vaginas. See what I mean. Its very scary in my brain sometimes.

These weird thoughts get me into trouble a lot. I will be concentrating so hard on not saying the weird thing I'm thinking that I will say some other random nonsense. Or I will get really nervous and say something completely inappropriate but not quite as inappropriate as the thing I was really thinking. And heaven help you if I am comfortable around you. I say the raunchiest things around my in-laws. You would think they would have disowned me by now but surprisingly they love me even more than they used to. I think they are just waiting for me to say something too extreme and then they are going to have me committed.

So I'm going to have to purge myself of all the weird stuff by posting it here anonymously. Lucky you, right? Oh come on its going to be fun. You can read all the weird crap I write and then feel really great about yourself because you know that there is at least one person out there who is creepier than you are. Its like free therapy or something. Yeah its exactly like that.

(Disclaimer: Because of all the weird stuff in my brain I obviously don't have the space to remember important things like proper grammar or correct punctuation. Thank goodness there is a spell check or you guys would really hate me.)