Funny Stuff That Happened While I Was Being A Bad Blogger And Ignoring My Duties

My kitten scratched a hole through my eyelid and gave me a black eye. I told everyone that my husband punched me. It was hilarious. (My husband has never punched me. He is one of those annoying people who has the nerve to try to walk away when he gets too mad during an argument. He doesn't even yell when he gets mad. He just stands there are calm and shit.)

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Actual conversation that happened in the hospital lobby in front of some old guy:

Lisa: If I was a guy I would only do pregnant girls. But only when they are barely pregnant. Like 3 or 4 months. You know so they still have their figures and stuff.

Katie: If you were a guy you would be a total whore.

Me: Like our dad.

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Talking about anal:

Lisa: I heard it hurts really bad. Why would someone do that?

Me: Some people like it.

Lisa: That's gross. It would have to stretch really far. I don't know how that could work.

Me: You ever have a big poop.

Lisa: Yeah.

Me: Well I'm guessing its like a big poop but backwards.

Lisa: That is so gross.

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At my grandmother's funeral, I broke a bench. Actually, I broke the same bench twice by coughing too hard. I wasn't the only one sitting on the bench and both times it broke we had to discreetly fix it before the funeral directors saw us.

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Enan's newest thing is to use the word plenty whenever possible.

For example:

Me: Enan you need to stop playing now.

Enan: Can I play for one more minute?

Me: I'll give you 4 more minutes.

Enan: How about plenty more minutes?

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Enan was at his grandmother's house one morning and was talking to her while she was having her breakfast. He told her that I had him and that she was there when he was born and that when he came out he was awesome.

One day we were walking through the book store and my son announced loudly that he has awesome skills.

I blame myself for his vocabulary. And his conceitedness. I tell him all the time that he is awesome and that he has awesome skills. Its all true though. He gets it from me. I'm awesome and I have awesome skills too. Just ask my husband.

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Sorry things were quiet around here for so long. Life has been a little crazy here. My husband got a new job, someone almost died, someone did die, and my perfectly adorable little nephew was born. I promise to try to be better and more consistent with this whole blogging thing from now on.*

* Any and all promises are subject to be broken without any warning or reasonable cause.

Our Family

My husband and I come from rather large families. He has 4 brothers and 5 sisters and I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters. Josiah's siblings all have the same mother and father. They all grew up together and they are fairly close as far as brothers and sisters go. Very easy to explain to new people. My family is a nightmare to explain. Here's the break down of my family.

Jessie and I have the same mother but we have different fathers. Katie, Ricky, Lisa, Alicia, Haden and I all have the same father but different mothers. Kali and Nick are my step-sister and step-brother. Katie, Ricky, and Lisa all have the same mother. Kali, Nick and Haden all have the same mother. My father had Alicia with Katie, Ricky, and Lisa's mother's sister.

But wait there's more:

My mother couldn't raise my brother Jessie so my great aunt adopted him. Which means that legally he is now my cousin but biologically he is my half brother.

And...

My sister Katie is engaged to my mother's half brother Russell. Russell and my mother have the same father but different mothers. This means that technically my sister is getting married to my uncle but they are not blood related to each other. Which means that Russell is going to be my son's uncle/great uncle.

I hate how backwoods hillbilly it all sounds. Which is why when people ask about my family I just tell them that I have 4 sisters and 4 brothers and I leave it at that.

My Mother-In-Law Saw Me Naked

Its true. She saw me naked a few times. Oh and I've peed on her too. And I am not embarrassed by those facts at all. In fact I am kinda proud of it. Not many people can say they pissed on their mother-in-law and she didn't care. Its not like I got drunk and just peed on her or anything. She was my midwife and it happened when I was giving birth. But still, it happened.

The first time she saw me naked, she looked at my vulva and said "You didn't have to shave for me". I almost died. Then I had to explain to her that I didn't shave it for her I keep it shaved all the time. She looked at me like I was child molester or something. Then proceeded to tell me that she has never shaved down there. She prefers the natural look. Yeah, so now I know that my husband came out of a hairy vagina. Not the best mental picture in the world.

That wasn't the only awkward encounter I have had with her, that was dealing with my vagina. Later on in my pregnancy she had to explain to me and my husband how to do a perineal massage. She was using her hands to show us how to do it and then told us that sometimes having your husband do the massage leads to sex. I don't think anyone wants their mother-in-law to give them new types of foreplay.

She's also not the only member of my husband's family to see me naked. Two of his sisters were in the room when I was giving birth. His older sister was helping his mother while his 15 year old sister took pictures. She watched a baby come out of my vagina and had to take pictures of it. I'm surprised she can look at me without throwing up. Four years later and she's one of my best friends though.

I think we may have one of the weirdest families out there. I mean weirdest without being incest and stuff. Because those incest families are definitely way weirder than our family.

There's This Weird Person Inside My Head

I'm not crazy or anything. Its not like I hear voices that tell me to kill people I just have a lot of weird random thoughts. On the outside I look normal (sorta) but in my head there are strange things afoot. Not like strange as in homicidal maniac thoughts. More like "I wonder why the alphabet is in the order that its in" or "if you douche too much will you pickle your vagina." Oh great...now I'm thinking about kosher vaginas. See what I mean. Its very scary in my brain sometimes.

These weird thoughts get me into trouble a lot. I will be concentrating so hard on not saying the weird thing I'm thinking that I will say some other random nonsense. Or I will get really nervous and say something completely inappropriate but not quite as inappropriate as the thing I was really thinking. And heaven help you if I am comfortable around you. I say the raunchiest things around my in-laws. You would think they would have disowned me by now but surprisingly they love me even more than they used to. I think they are just waiting for me to say something too extreme and then they are going to have me committed.

So I'm going to have to purge myself of all the weird stuff by posting it here anonymously. Lucky you, right? Oh come on its going to be fun. You can read all the weird crap I write and then feel really great about yourself because you know that there is at least one person out there who is creepier than you are. Its like free therapy or something. Yeah its exactly like that.

(Disclaimer: Because of all the weird stuff in my brain I obviously don't have the space to remember important things like proper grammar or correct punctuation. Thank goodness there is a spell check or you guys would really hate me.)