Funny Stuff That Happened While I Was Being A Bad Blogger And Ignoring My Duties

My kitten scratched a hole through my eyelid and gave me a black eye. I told everyone that my husband punched me. It was hilarious. (My husband has never punched me. He is one of those annoying people who has the nerve to try to walk away when he gets too mad during an argument. He doesn't even yell when he gets mad. He just stands there are calm and shit.)

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Actual conversation that happened in the hospital lobby in front of some old guy:

Lisa: If I was a guy I would only do pregnant girls. But only when they are barely pregnant. Like 3 or 4 months. You know so they still have their figures and stuff.

Katie: If you were a guy you would be a total whore.

Me: Like our dad.

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Talking about anal:

Lisa: I heard it hurts really bad. Why would someone do that?

Me: Some people like it.

Lisa: That's gross. It would have to stretch really far. I don't know how that could work.

Me: You ever have a big poop.

Lisa: Yeah.

Me: Well I'm guessing its like a big poop but backwards.

Lisa: That is so gross.

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At my grandmother's funeral, I broke a bench. Actually, I broke the same bench twice by coughing too hard. I wasn't the only one sitting on the bench and both times it broke we had to discreetly fix it before the funeral directors saw us.

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Enan's newest thing is to use the word plenty whenever possible.

For example:

Me: Enan you need to stop playing now.

Enan: Can I play for one more minute?

Me: I'll give you 4 more minutes.

Enan: How about plenty more minutes?

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Enan was at his grandmother's house one morning and was talking to her while she was having her breakfast. He told her that I had him and that she was there when he was born and that when he came out he was awesome.

One day we were walking through the book store and my son announced loudly that he has awesome skills.

I blame myself for his vocabulary. And his conceitedness. I tell him all the time that he is awesome and that he has awesome skills. Its all true though. He gets it from me. I'm awesome and I have awesome skills too. Just ask my husband.

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Sorry things were quiet around here for so long. Life has been a little crazy here. My husband got a new job, someone almost died, someone did die, and my perfectly adorable little nephew was born. I promise to try to be better and more consistent with this whole blogging thing from now on.*

* Any and all promises are subject to be broken without any warning or reasonable cause.

Social Alcoholic

My husband and I have figured out the perfect cure for my social anxiety. Alcohol. One-drink Rachel will think about doing things she never would do. Two-drink Rachel will make plans to do things she would never do. Three-drink Rachel will do things she never thought she would. And four-drink Rachel will do things that three-drink Rachel would never think to do. After that I am invincible, or at least I think I am.

The Handshake

I recently met one of my husband's friends. He came over early one morning to pick my husband up because they were going to some meeting. I hate meeting my husband's friends. I don't want them to know that he is married to someone who is overweight. Yeah, I'm one of those people who has issues with their weight. I know its stupid but I really would rather hide in my house until I've lost all the extra weight than to go out and have people see me. See, if I meet Joe's friends right now they are going to see a fat girl but they aren't going to know that I used to be a lot fatter. They are just going to see how fat I am now. They wont know about all the progress I have made. And they wont know all the reasons I was fat in the first place. Joe doesn't care that I am still a little overweight he just wants me to hang out with him and his friends and have fun.

So I had to meet his friend because he was coming to our house. And of course we woke up late that morning. So Joe is rushing around trying to get ready and I am trying to take care of Enan and get myself ready before the friend shows up. I was feeling really unattractive so I did what I always do...I put on my pushup bra. Cleavage always gives me confidence. Plus with guys it usually distracts them from looking at the rest of me.

I was feeling a lot better until the friend showed up. Joe was still getting ready so I had to answer the door. Then it happened! He introduced himself and then stuck his hand out for a handshake. I HATE handshakes. They feel so awkward and personal to me. I would much rather someone do that weird side hug thing. I always worry that my hands are going to be sweaty or that my handshake is going to be weak and then they are going to judge me for it. As soon as he started shaking my hand my brain went blank. I don't remember what I said or even if I said anything at all. It was horrible. I wasn't able to relax until Josiah and his friend were gone.

It was at that point that I noticed that I had the worst coffee breath ever. I totally rock first impressions. (If you need me I will be locked in my house until I am fit to be out in public. Which may be never.)

Penis

I am going to start off by telling you that I am not usually this stupid. This is just one of those situations where I never actively thought of the subject so my brain just assumed something completely wrong.

I have a son. He is the first boy that I have raised on my own (except for my husband's help of course) and I never really thought about his penis. See, I guess in my brain I thought that his penis was going to stay the same size it was when he was born. I just assumed it would suddenly get bigger when he went through puberty or something. You know, like how girls start suddenly getting breasts during puberty. I just thought that boys woke up one day with a bigger penis. I have seen my son's penis every day for more than four years now and it just never clicked that his penis was growing. Then yesterday, for reasons I wont disclose, I realized that his penis had gotten bigger and that I was completely stupid.

There are some things you never think about until you become a parent. I thought all of those discoveries were over now that Enan is 4 but I was wrong. I wonder what amazing revelation I am going to have next.

Our Family

My husband and I come from rather large families. He has 4 brothers and 5 sisters and I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters. Josiah's siblings all have the same mother and father. They all grew up together and they are fairly close as far as brothers and sisters go. Very easy to explain to new people. My family is a nightmare to explain. Here's the break down of my family.

Jessie and I have the same mother but we have different fathers. Katie, Ricky, Lisa, Alicia, Haden and I all have the same father but different mothers. Kali and Nick are my step-sister and step-brother. Katie, Ricky, and Lisa all have the same mother. Kali, Nick and Haden all have the same mother. My father had Alicia with Katie, Ricky, and Lisa's mother's sister.

But wait there's more:

My mother couldn't raise my brother Jessie so my great aunt adopted him. Which means that legally he is now my cousin but biologically he is my half brother.

And...

My sister Katie is engaged to my mother's half brother Russell. Russell and my mother have the same father but different mothers. This means that technically my sister is getting married to my uncle but they are not blood related to each other. Which means that Russell is going to be my son's uncle/great uncle.

I hate how backwoods hillbilly it all sounds. Which is why when people ask about my family I just tell them that I have 4 sisters and 4 brothers and I leave it at that.

My Humble Abode (AKA The Tiny Ass Duplex I Live In)

Oh, how I hate the place we live in. What was once a beautiful escape has become a prison. You see in 2006 we made a really stupid mistake. We moved into a beautiful house that was over 2000 square feet but....wait for it...we had to share this wonderful place with housemates. Ugh housemates. I know we aren't the only stupid people who thought that sharing a bigger more expensive house with people we barely knew would be awesome. Things were wonderful at first. They were a really nice couple who we got along with. I will call them Whipped and Skank. They were really great with our son and we had some things in common with them.

Then things went downhill really quickly. Skank got a job working as a topless dancer at a cabaret and subsequently began using drugs and cheating on Whipped. This led to Whipped sitting at home at nights getting really drunk and on one occasion trying to kill himself. And to top it all off they were not very clean people. They would leave their laundry in the washer and dryer forcing me to finish their laundry before being able to start my own. As far as food and stuff went we were supposed to alternate nights. They would cook one night and we would cook the next. Well most of the time they would forget and then at the last minute get fast food. Or just completely forget altogether. And they rarely cleaned up after themselves. They would leave dirty dishes on the counter until there were maggot colonies living in them and then I would have to clean them up. Then they got a puppy. Oh god the puppy. They were never home so they weren't there to house train her. So they would lock her in a kennel in the garage all day where she would howl incessantly until I let her out. Even when they were home she would shit and piss in the dining room and they would never clean it up. I'm not saying that we were perfect or anything but we tried to be as respectful of them as possible and we always followed the rules that we had set. Of course, the situation was not one that we were going to live in especially with our young child (1 year old at the time) running around. So we decided to move out.

That led us here. You see this place was brand new when we moved in. It was pretty and clean and it would be all ours. It was in a nice neighborhood near stores and 5 minutes away from the in-laws. Oh and it was available right away and since we were desperate to get out of the house we were in we immediately decided that this place would be ours. Oh hindsight. So we had to move our stuff from a house with more than 2000 square feet into one with less than 1000 square feet. I know that people who live in big cities have to live in places much smaller than this but I'm not one of those people and I really do hate it here. So I am going to complain about all the little things that I hate so much about this place. Here is list of the things I hate:

-The master bedroom. It has a window on one wall, the back door on another, and the tiny closet and HALF BATH on the other. So that leaves only one available wall to put the bed. Which happens to be the wall that is shared with one of the other bedrooms. Oh did I mention that the MASTER bedroom only has a HALF BATH. Yeah its kinda frustrating.

-The back yard. It has a retaining wall that is concrete. And most of the actual yard is filled with rocks and other junk from when they built this place. And its a hill. A big ugly hill with a monstrous ugly concrete wall at the bottom.

-The bathroom. Its tiny and cramped. It has nasty sliding glass doors on the tub that are impossible to get completely clean. You can hear everything that is going on in the neighbors bathroom which means they can hear everything in ours. And the stupid towel rack came out of the wall within a month of living here and it wont go back up. I hate that stupid towel rack.

-The laundry room. Well its not really a room. Its like a little closet next to the kitchen that doesn't have any doors on it. It has a washer on one side and a dryer on the other. The space between the washer and the dryer is about 4 feet. Which means when you open the dryer you have to step back as far against the washer as possible or climb over the stupid dryer door as you open it. Because for some reason they made it where the dryer opens towards the doorway instead of towards the wall. Its always in a perpetual state of disarray because there isn't anywhere to put the laundry. You can't have a dirty clothes basket in the laundry room because then you can't open the freaking dryer. So we have to put our clothes on the floor. Which means that while standing in the kitchen you can see our dirty clothes piled up on the floor. Which sometimes becomes an avalanche that spills into the kitchen. I REALLY REALLY HATE HATE HATE the laundry room.

-The bugs. Oh God the bugs. We get ants every year. And if it rains a lot we get really huge ugly water bugs. And little beetles. And snakes. Oh and freaking brown recluse spiders. We've tried plugging all the holes in the foundation and around windows and doors but it doesn't stop them. We've had ants in our bathroom coming through tiny little holes in the base board. The bathroom thats in the middle of the freaking house without a single outside wall attached to it. Yet somehow the ants were living in the walls and coming through tiny little cracks into the bathroom.

-The cramped spaces. We obviously have too much stuff for such a little place but we have gotten rid of almost everything we possibly can. This means that our house almost always looks like a tornado hit it. If a single book gets out of place on the bookshelf it makes the entire living room look messy. Its terrible and embarrassing and I hate it.

There...I'm done for now. I know that I shouldn't complain especially since we've been in worse situations before. I know I should be happy that we aren't living in our car again and that we are able to live here without me having to work so I get to stay home with our son. And I am happy for those things but sometimes I get really frustrated being here and I go a little crazy and I need to rant about it. I know things are going to get better and eventually we will move from here hopefully to a bigger place. But for now I am going to grumble and groan about how much I dislike this place.

Enan Talk

I gave birth to my son at home, in my bed, surrounded by my wonderful family. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I love my son. I love being a stay at home mother to him. And most of all I love all the funny little things he says. Here's just a few of the wonderful things coming out of my child's mouth:

Later Soon- he uses this when he wants to do something at that moment but we have told him that he can't until later. He uses it to try to convince us that it will happen soon.

Example:

Me: We will go to the park later.

Enan: We will go to the park later soon.

Top Yard- this is what he calls the front yard.

Why Not- he says Why Not to everything. Its always Why Not, never just Why.

Example:

Me: You have to go to bed now.

Enan: Why Not?

Jew- used instead of the word "you".

Brass Room- this is what he calls the bath tub.

Example: Mommy are you in the Brass Room?

Making Me Mean- he says this instead of saying "you're making me mad".

So So Crazy- this is one of my favorites. If you tell him to do something he will respond with "You're making me so so crazy".

I know that eventually he will grow out of saying these things. I am really going to miss hearing them from him. Maybe the next kid we have will come up with even better things to say.